Thursday Pick Special

Since the NFL Network has decided to broadcast games on a network that Time Warner won’t let me have (not that I’m bitter or anything — what’s Direct TV’s number again?), I’m going to be getting an early jump on the weekly football picks. While some people may complain that a game in the middle of the week might be a bit of an overkill (you know, because evidiently another NFL game on TV is somehow a bad thing), I’m embracing this trend, because I’ve been 10-6 in both weeks that were kicked off by Thursday games. Good times. Anyway, let’s look at the big Thursday game — and it is indeed a big one.

Baltimore at Cincinnati (-3)

Pick: Cincinnati

Baltimore’s defense was phenominal last week, to the point where I have to admit that I was wondering to myself what hurt more for Ben Roethlisberger: The motorcycle accident or Sunday’s game. (It was not one of my prouder moments as a person.) Plus, the Ravens are also possessors of the league’s best secret: Ever since Brian Billick let his friend Jim Fassel go and started calling the offense himself five weeks ago, Baltimore’s averaging over 24 points a game, and Jamal Lewis almost looks like he never spent time in jail. So why am I picking the Bengals to win this game outright? Because if they lose this game, the season is done. A loss would drop them to 6-6, and while that would be enough to make them a front runner in the NFC Wild Card race, it’s absolute poison in the AFC, where they could potentially be one or two games behind four other teams. Not only that, a win against a team like Baltimore would go a long way in validating Carson Palmer’s season, especially in the face of coming back from having his leg ripped off. (Okay, I’ll also admit that I want to see this happen because if Baltimore loses and San Diego wins, the Chargers will have the #2 spot in the AFC. But that really doesn’t play into my reasoning for picking Cincy, I swear.)

Not-So-Big Ben

Can we all stop being shocked about Ben Wallace biting the big one in Chicago yet? Clearly, nobody could really be surprised that he’s sporting an attitude problem and is insubordinate toward his tough-minded coach, right? (By the way, if you think Scott Skiles is going to back down over this whole headband thing, you probably don’t remember what a tough lil’ dude Skiles was during his playing days). If you’re still in a state of disbelief over Wallace’s performance because you were short-sighted enough to think his presence was instantly going to spring the Bulls into the Finals this year, it’s time to face the truth.

The truth is, the Bulls wasted a $60 million max contract on a surly guy who can’t score, whose very style of play was in complete conflict with the up-tempo way the Bulls played last year and desired to play this year. And, like I warned during the off-season, Wallace’s game is eroding like he’s 42 instead of 32. His career-defining rebound and block stats had steadily declined over the past four seasons, and they have thus far taken their sharpest nosedive yet (he’s averaging .6 fewer blocks and 2 fewer boards this year than last year). Now, that reprehensible chip on his shoulder that he could get away with in Detroit is popping up in the much more stringient environment of Chicago, where he’s single-handedly killing the team’s playoff hopes, let alone their dreams of a championship. The Bulls should be fortunate that they play in such an atrocity of a conference.

So let’s stop acting stunned by Wallace. If you were paying attention, you should have saw it coming. Besides, if you want to really be shocked, look no further than the Atlantic Division, where the first place team is 5-8 and the Knicks are in third place. Actually, don’t look there. That’s not as shocking as it is vomit-inducing.

Reason #74 why I Need to Run the NHL

The Edmonton Oilers hosted the city’s least favorite NHL player Chris Pronger and the Anaheim Ducks Tuesday, and of course I had to watch, just in case somebody threw some dog poop or a bag of live pirhanas at him. Edmonton looked inspired enough to beat their former teammate for about forty minutes, when they became a sorry gaggle of chickens that played a defensive scheme which gave the clear message that they were completely frightened of the Ducks as they attempted to nurse a one-goal lead. Anaheim took full advantage of their cowardice, tied the game in their last minute, and won it in overtime after a sloppy turnover in the neutral zone. It was the type of a game that the best team in the NHL can win.

Or are they the best team?

The Buffalo Sabres have two fewer points than Anaheim does, but they have one more victory than Anaheim, who has six OT losses. They are also the most exciting team to watch in the NHL, averaging just under 4.5 goals a game and equipped with blinding team speed (and yet, I’ve watched more Toronto Maple Leaf games than Sabre games this year on the Center Ice package. I’m really stupid). They are as good on the offensive side of the puck as Anaheim is on the defensive side, plus goalie Ryan Miller is J.S. Giguere’s eqaul in between the pipes. Imagine what a game between these two teams would look like. That would be must-see viewing for all hockey fans, right?

Well, thanks to killjoy supreme Gary Bettman, imagining this contest is as good as it’s going to get barring a rendezvous for the Stanley Cup Final. Because of the NHL’s unbalanced schedule, these two teams do not play each other. Not once. But at least there are eight Ducks-Coyotes tilts on the schedule to make you forget about such a potentially epic battle.

I know that there are still a few proponents of the current scheduling format, which places a high emphasis on division rivalries and such, but the lack of an Anaheim-Buffalo game on the schedule may be enough to effectively wipe out such an opinion. Now, I don’t have anything against a good rivalry. It would feel like an incomplete season for me if I didn’t watch at least one game between the Rangers and the Islanders, or the Blackhawks and the Blues, or the Red Wings and the Avalanche, or the Maple Leafs and the Senators, or the Flames and the Oilers. However, while eight regular season games involving those matchups might be satisfying (which is the current number of times all divisional rivals play each other), you really can’t say the same for the other 90% of the divisional matchups. Not everyone plays each other anymore, but Tampa Bay and Washington square off eight times against each other. As do Columbus and Nashville. And Dallas and San Jose. And Pittsburgh and New Jersey. This year, it’s costing us a chance to see the two best teams in the league play each other, and that really sucks. It’s even worse than the fact that not all of the Original Six played against each other last year.

Here’s what needs to happen starting next year. I get appointed NHL commissioner. After I eliminate the stupid instigation penalties, I restructure the schedule in one of two ways. The first scenario is to go back to the pre-lockout schedule, where a team a plays each division rival 6 times. They then play each of the other 10 teams in their division 4 times, and the play every team in the opposing conference at least once. That would leave three random games out of the 82 game schedule for the league to figure out how to use (for example, they can use those extra game to ensure every Canadian team plays each other at least twice). The second scenario would be to have a team play their divisional rivals 5 times, their in-conference teams 3 times, and their interconference teams twice. That leaves two extra games, which the league could possibly use to schedule an extra game between a teams natural rival. The result out of all this? The conviction that I’m a genius, that’s what.

Also, we’d be guaranteed of seeing that Ducks-Sabres matchup.

Week 12 Wrap-Up: New Yuck, Un-Sexy Rexy, and Revenge!!!

*First thing’s first: I kinda need to feel the need to retract my statement about Eli Manning winning a Super Bowl before his brother like I said earlier this season. Now, it’s looking like neither Manning is going to win a ring. Seriously, when did Peyton’s younger brother start playing quarterback like Ty Detmer’s little brother? Those two picks that he threw in the fourth quarter weren’t just bad throws, they were twin embarrassments. I mean, not even Rex Grossman could look at those passes without wincing. Simply stated, those kinds of throws should not be made by a franchise quarterback in his third year. But at least he’s developing his own classic Manning Expression like his brother did (his is more sulky as opposed to Peyton’s whiny). With all that being said, it’s still kind of rediculous to hear that some fans are starting to call for his benching. This debacle could very well serve as a wake-up call for him, and he could get his act together (he better if they want to beat the red-hot Cowboys next Sunday). However, that’s not to say I would completely be against the idea of benching Manning, simply because that would mean the starter would be the corpulent Jared Lorenzen. Yep, the New York Giants could be one or two more bad Manning starts away from being led by Fat Quarterback! In fact, I find it even impossible to root for Manning’s success. But, being a Charger fan, it wasn’t like I was rooting all that hard for it in the first place.

*Note to Mathias Kiwanuka: If you have a quarterback in your grasp, you may not want to let go of him until you hear the whistle blow. If he doesn’t play catch-and-release with Vince Young, the Giants win the game, and nobody’s calling for Manning’s head on a platter. I do have to say I felt sorry for Kiwanuka, because the camera caught him getting his face melted off by Tom Coughlin, who was probably yelling things like: “Thanks to you, I’m going to get fired, and I’m going to have to go off and be a defensive coordinator in Detroit and put up with Mike Martz!” Remember when people were saying that the winner of the Giants-Bears game would determine NFC supremacy? I’ve tried to forget about it.

*By the way, how about some love for Vince Young? Didn’t he look like he was wearing a Longhorns jersey out there during the fourth quarter?

*Speaking of benching quarterbacks, is it time to show Grossman to the bench in Chicago? Sure, the Bears are 9-2. But Grossman has been responsible for 15 turnovers in the past 6 games. He’s been shaky ever since the Cardinal game, and he really hasn’t shown much in the way of getting back to his earlier form. If I’m a Bears fan, I’m not too comfortable with this dude leading my team in January.

*Then again, it might not matter who leads what team to the NFC berth in the Super Bowl, anyway. When the NFC’s best team gets stomped by the AFC’s fourth best team, that says a thing or two about what conference in superior.

*The “illegal forward pass” penalty against the Chargers’ Vince Jackson, in which he clearly spiked the ball to the ground before he was touched down by the Raiders, should have absolutely been a fumble. The fact that what was called was technically the correct call to make according to the rulebook doesn’t mean that ceases to be the lamest, most moronic screw job you’ll see all year. And you know what? Good. No — freakin’ awesome. To me, as an unabashed Charger fan, it was still a thing a beauty, because it means that I’ve finally lived long enough to see a play in a Raider-Charger game that serves as complete and total retribution for that bull-crap “Holy Roller” play that occured 28 years ago. To the members of the Raider Nation that cried incessently over that call, kindly shut the bleep up. You had your moment of cheapness at our expense. Now, it’s our turn. And, hey, we still played by the rules and got away with it. So there.

*Admit it. You at least pumped your fist and/or laughed a little when you found out that the Cowboys cut Mike Vanderjadt today. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m really hoping that T.O. runs his mouth this week, as long as it’s about the Idiot Kicker.

*It’s easy to blame Michael Vick for the Falcons’ woes. It’s almost as easy as it is to call him a nasty name for his double bird he gave to the home crowd on his way off the field (insert your own obilgatory “that was the most accurate thing he’s done with his throwing hand all year” type of joke here). But really, it’s not all his fault. His wide receivers suck. Really suck. In fact, they might be the worst trio of receivers in the NFL. They don’t just have a case of the dropsies, they have a plague. Random thought regarding Vick — how cool would it be to see Michael Vick play on a CFL field? I’m guessing it would be pretty amazing.

*I guess it really is all Matt Millen’s fault, after all.

*Sorry all you Tony Romo fanboys, but no quarterback is playing better right now than Drew Brees. As a Charger fan, let’s just say I’m very glad that Phillip Rivers is playing as well as he is right now, because if he wasn’t, I’d be crying myself to sleep every night. Of course, Romo is really close behind him. His performance on Thanksgiving was nothing short of mind-blowing. Were there really people that criticised the benching of Drew Bledsoe in favor of this guy? Have they been deported yet?

*I think there was something wrong with my TV tonight. It looked like it was snowing in Seattle. That couldn’t be right.

*Brett Favre’s performance Monday mirrored his career in a way. He started off pretty solidly, looked great around the middle of the game, then fell to all different kinds of hell toward the end of the game. Please let that be the last time we see Favre on Monday Night Football. I don’t want to have memories of this guy playing this poorly.

*Will someone send a couple of priests down to Indianapolis and exorcise the Randy Moss demon that possessed Marvin Harrison Sunday night? It broke my heart to see him even remotely resembling to act like a prima donna like he did. He’s better than that, and he’s got to know that he’s above that kind of behavior. The last thing we need is another star wideout turn into Leon from those Budweiser commerical.

*So Jake Plummer’s out and Jay Cutler’s in, finally. That’s what The Snake gets for shaving the porn ’stache.

Someone Tell Billy Packer to Shut Up In Advance

Remember last March, how CBS basketball analyst Billy Packer openly complained about there being too many “mid-major” schools in the NCAA Tournament, only to see George Mason make him look like a bufoon by reaching the Final Four? Well, as much as I’d like to think that such an acheivement would force him to reconsider, I’ve watched the guy for too long to think that such a reconciliation would be possible. So I’m bracing for more of his unnecessary whining four months from now, because all signs are pointing to a repeat of last years’ bracket stuffing.

The biggest clue came this past week during the pre-season NIT tourney, where the pride of the Horizon conference, little ol’ Butler University (a perennial mid-major power and a team that the big boys never want to play in the tourney) took home the hardware, dispatching of fellow bracketeers Notre Dame, Indiana, Tennessee, and Gonzaga in the process. They now have the #1 RPI ranking in the country (essentially, nobody has beaten more quality opponents then they have), and it reinforced the notion that these small fries can hang with the big boys, and that they deserve to be given that chance in March. It also begs an important question to ask doubters like Packer: What team should a tourney team be more intimidated by — the mid-major that went 23-4 yet got bumped from their automatic tourney bid because they lost their confence’s post-season tourament final, or the 20-12 Big East team that got bumped in the second round of their confrence tourney? After watching George Mason last year, and seeing what Butler did last week (not to mention what Oral Roberts did to mighty Kansas the week before), the answer should be obvious. Thankfully, based on what they did last year, it would appear that the answer is just as clear to the NCAA Tournament selection committee.

Now, if only college football can learn from their basketball bretheren about the fun and excitement of a post-season tournament…

The Battle for Irrelevancy Is Near Completion

So it looks like USC will play Ohio State for the BCS Championship, provided they get past UCLA, which they should (although it’s hard to imagine Bruin fans getting too bent out of shape over this, what with their basketball team being so talented and all). Their 20 point beatdown of Notre Dame indicates a couple of important things:

1. There’s a reason why Notre Dame feels the college football world revolves around them, and that reason is the media has not (and possibly never will) stop sucking up to them. Take the group that did last night’s pre-game show; three of the four guys predicted the Fighting Irish to win the game. This is the same Irish team that got destroyed at home against Michigan earlier this year, and they honestly thought that they were going to beat the Trojans on the road? Then again, they looked really unstoppable against all the military academy schools this year. Someone tell these people that Knute Rockne is dead.

2. It once again proves how much we need a playoff system. USC-Ohio State will be a great matchup, of course, but wouldn’t you want to watch USC and Michigan clash on the field? And how come everybody’s swept Florida under the rug? Is it too inconceivable to think that Wisconsin or even Louisville could make a serious three-game run to the final? Instead, we were again subjected to a two-team race for that second spot in the big game, and one team got bumped out because their biggest crime was that they lost in November rather than October (because, somehow, that makes it worse).

Now, I’m not going to bore you with all of the theories that exist for and against a playoff system. However, I just want to provide you with a look to what a playoff bracket might look like if you just took the top 16 teams from the USA Today poll, just recently released:

(1) Ohio St. vs. (16) Wake Forest
(2) USC vs. (15) West Virginia
(3) Michigan vs. (14) Virginia Tech
(4) Florida vs. (13) Rutgers
(5) LSU vs. (12) Notre Dame
(6) Wisconsin vs. (11) Auburn
(7) Louisville vs. (10) Oklahoma
(8) Arkansas vs. (9) Boise St.

Play those eight games during one weekend, re-seed the teams after the first round like they do in the NFL, and play again. If you think that wouldn’t be as entertaining as watching the Champs Sports Bowl (which genuinely exists), then you are insane.

Giving Gary Bettman the Bird

First off, here’s hoping your Turkey Day was filled with maximum enjoyment and minimum indegestion.

That being said, it’s time to sound off on one of my favortie turkeys, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve championed the rules he helped put in place after the lockout in order to open up the game and increase scoring, and all you have to do is watch a game or look at stats that see that they have worked. At the same time, however, he also added a rule that instantly became the worst mandate in the game, made even worse by the fact that it flew somewhat under the radar (especially here in the hockey-ignorant states).

Essentially, the rule states that anyone who instigates a fight in the last five minutes of a game gets automatically suspended (a penalty that could have multiple games tacked on at the commissioner’s discretion). The coach of the offending player gets fined, as well. The rule, in theory, is to prevent stuff like this infamous incident between the Flyers and Senatorsfrom occuring. In fact, considering the game set the NHL record for penalty minutes in a game (420), and both teams only had seven players left to finish the game, it wouldn’t be all that difficult to believe that this game inspired Bettman’s rule. While a rule like that is nice in theoretical terms, given the nature of the sport, it’s a rule that fails on a practical basis, because only further cripples the players’ ability to police themselves (an essential quality to the game that the average American sportswriter just doesn’t grasp). In other words, it’s becoming more difficult to have a guy pay the price for any stupid, cheap crap he might be able to pull during a game.

There was an incident Wednesday night in which this unfortunate rule came into play, where Washington forward Donald Brashear beat the stuffing out of Atlanta’s defensive pest Vitaly Vishnevski in the last 90 seconds of their game. Vishnevski, true to his form of being not being a man about things, turtled and allowed Brashear to draw blood during the battle. Brashear, in turn, got handed a two game suspension, while Caps coach Glenn Hanlon got nailed for $30,000. On the surface (which is all American sportswriters look for when it comes to hockey), it looked like a fair and just action. However, those of us who follow hockey know differently.

You see, Vishnevski is nothing more than your classic coward, a discount version of uber-alternative-word-to-call-a-cat Darius Kasparitus who spends the entire game shoving people after whistles, knocking sticks into people behind the play, and getting his elbows up a little too high when he checks somebody. Of course, when it’s time to pay back for his transgressions, he’s nowhere to be seen. He’s the equivalent of the classic schoolyard prick who keeps picking on you, but when you try to return the favor, he runs and hides behind the teacher. Since Vishnevski (whose last name, by the way, has always reminded me of the word “sniveling”) was a member of the Ducks for the last few seasons, I was able to watch a lot of this fool in action, and frankly, I’ve been waiting a while for somebody to come along and give him the butt-kicking that he has so undeniably deserved. And as much disdain that I’ve had for Brashear over the years — he really is one of the biggest meatheads in the league — I have no choice but to applaud him for doing what so many real fans want to see done to sackless wonders like Vishnevski.

Of course, Bettman doesn’t see it that way, because he’s too busy trying to coax cash from people who think the sport is too violent. Money that, like I’ve said before, longtime hockey fans don’t want, because it leads to sorry comprimises like this instigation/suspension rule. Of course, Bettman won’t see it that way until another Bertuzzi incident comes about on the ice, and even then, he probably won’t see that as a by-product of his precious rules to curtail on-ice personal responsibility (remember, Bettman put in the basic fight instigator rule a few years ago, and if that infraction isn’t in place, I doubt that the whole Bertuzzi mess takes place). He’d be too busy doing damage control to realize the errors of his ways, because the NHL would look like an even bigger turkey in the eyes of mainstream American media than it already does now.

Turkey You Can Read

This week’s football picks are coming a week early for three very important reasons:

1. It is Thanksgiving on Thursday, and I’m going to enjoy the day with loved ones. Hopefully, you are in a position to do the same.

2. There are three NFL games on tomorrow: The two traditionally crappy match-ups and the one really good tilt that I won’t be able to see because Time Warner Cable is an evil, greedy corporate demon that hates its customers. Not that I’m bitter or anything.

3. I’m embarrassed about last week’s performance. Cover-my-face-in-a-towel-like-Blanket-Jackson embarrassed. In fact, I’m not even going to type it here. If you want to find out how bad I did, scroll down to the end of this menagerie. Let’s just say that the predictions were so dire, I seriously contemplated pulling a George Costanza and doing the opposite of what I think would be good picks. I didn’t follow through with it, but I swear that if I repeat last week’s debacle, I guarantee I’ll do it.

Anyway, let’s get to this week’s action. Use these predictions as a wagering instrument at your own risk.

Justice…Sweet Justice

Kudos to the NFL for fining Tom Nalen of the Dirty Denver Broncos $25,000 for that inexcusable chop block he threw at The Mad Ukranian Igor Olshansky during the waning moments of Sunday’s Charger/Bronco game, while Jake Plummer spiked the ball to kill the clock. In fact, Olshansky got less of a fine for punching Nalen repeatedly after the incident (he was hit up for $15K). I don’t want to sound judgemental or anything — ah, screw it. I do want to sound judgemental. The only possible explanation that Nalen could have had for his actions was that he was deliberately trying to injure Olshansky. Why else would you, armed with the full knowledge that your quarterback is going to spike the ball to kill the clock on account of your team lacking time outs, dive at a defensive lineman who is not thinking of charging you because he knows what your quarterback is going to do out of necessity? There is simply no other explanation for his action. If it had been an Avalanche game, Nalen would have gotten a rare match penalty for deliberately attempting to injure a player. As it was, Nalen got away with it cleanly, thanks in no small part to Olshansky’s outburst.

With all that logic staring at them in the face, you’d think that the Bronco organization would have the intelligence to let it go and move on. However, you would be wrong, because Denver actually dared to complain about the fine. Are you kidding me? How can you whine about something that was clearly a move intended to inflict deliberate pain? Are they worried that their dirty little secret about their cheap-shot o-line is going to get out, even though every self-respected NFL fan has been in on it for several years? Sorry, but the Broncos whining about the fine is like me going into McDonald’s and complaining about the quality of the food. They ought to be ashamed of themselves, as should any Denver fanboy who still swears up and down that their precious little Broncos O-line isn’t loaded with cheaters and rouges.

Cut Rate MVPs

Fun stat of the day: The combined salaries of NL MVP Ryan Howard and AL MVP Justin Morneau was $700,000 this year. In real world terms, that’s like a CEO getting paid fast-food employee wages. Meanwhile, the Red Sox spent $51 million to talk to some guy. Go fig.

That being said, my first thought when I read that Morneau had won the AL MVP was, “Justin Morneau?” Then I revisited his stats: .324 with 34 HR and 130 RBI, and those numbers are more remarkable when you consider he was hitting aroung .230 in June. It also should be noted that when Morneau caught fire, the Twins became engulfed in flames. As much as I have sympathy for the people who feel that Derek Jeter should have nabbed the award — and he was a most worthy candidate in his own right — his MVP argument lies mainly within the “he was the glue that kept the Yankees together” angle. And intangible stuff like that doesn’t fly too well in arbitrary awards, especially if the Yankees are involved. Besides, it’s kind of cool to see someone from the Twins win an MVP, isn’t it?