The downward spiral continued for me last week, but at least I took other people with me. As you know, I got myself involved in a survivor league this year with six other people, and going into this week, there were still five active people. Well, I decided to be stupid enough to trust the Jaguars, and we all know how that went. However, three of the remaining four picked the Cardinals, and the other guy picked the Eagles. Yep, all of us lost on the same week. We wound up in a five place tie for first. Like six-year olds in a soccer program, we all got trophies. It helped me learn a valuable lesson: That is, survivor league football is rather flawed.
Anyway, I’m still somehow above .500 this season, a record that is primarily buoyed by my 24-8 start. Since then, I’ve had five losing weeks. Ugh. But at least I’m having fun picking these games. That is, when I don’t think about how I’ve done in the last five weeks. Then my lower lip starts to quiver.
But enough about my deep psychological problems – let’s get to the picks:
Jacksonville at Philadelphia (-7)
Pick: Philadelphia
You have to feel sick for the Eagles after last week. Except of course if you’re a Bucs fan, then you’ve did the cha-cha whilst thinking of how things went down in Tampa last week. I mean, when you lose because the other team kicks a field goal from the midfield logo, it has to be as frustrating of a loss that can be experienced, right? Speaking of sick, let’s give it up for Donovan McNabb for hurling on the field. That was spectacular. Don’t pretend that you were grossed out. If I told you that there was a five minute compilation of quarterbacks vomiting mid-game, you’d at least click on it. I’m sure it would have the same mesmerizing effect as an animal dropping a deuce does. Anyway, my point is, the 8-8 express known as the Jacksonville Jaguars has no chance to cover in this game. I promise you, I’m not bitter at them for knocking me out of my survival league, nor is this pick a by-product of said supposed bitterness. Honest.
Atlanta at Cincinnati (-4)
Pick: Cincinnati
Atlanta’s defense is suspect against the pass (23rd in the league), and Chad Johnson has willingly put his Mohawk on the line for this game. Don’t be fooled by the Falcons’ success at home last week. This team is not as good as their 4-2 record indicates. On the other hand, the Bengals are not as bad as they’ve looked in the last three weeks, and this is exactly the kind of game that can get them untracked.
Arizona at Green Bay (-4)
Pick: Green Bay
Congrats, Cardinals! After getting utterly destroyed by the Oakland Raiders last week, you are now officially the worst team in the league. At least everyone knew how bad the Raiders were. With all that talent, the Cardinals have no excuse at all. Not even the fact that they are the Cardinals holds up as a valid reason. At any rate, if they can’t beat the Raiders, there’s no way they deserve consideration for the possibility of going into Lambeau Field and beating the Packers this Sunday. The fact that Brett Favre isn’t what he used to be is irrelevant this week.
Houston at Tennessee (-3)
Pick: Houston
Both teams stink. But Houston’s offense is better than the Titans’, so they get the nod. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to get away with saying this, but David Carr right now is a more effective quarterback than Vince Young. Besides, this game is not being played in the Lone Star State, where Young has the vengeance-addled potential to put up 4 zillion all-purpose yards just to show all the Texans fans what they missed by drafting Mario Williams instead, thus causing hundreds of Houstonians to hurl themselves in front of the city’s light rail system.
Seattle at Kansas City (-6)
Pick: Seattle
I know the Seahawks are starting a guy named Seneca. If your local grocery store came out with a generic Fresca, it’s a good chance that they would call the product Seneca. However, the Chiefs are coming off the huge game in which they took full advantage of Marty Schottenheimer’s last-minute cowardice (you’d think he would never run the prevent defense after The Drive, but then, you’d be wrong). This game might be a little bit of a letdown, especially since Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander are nursing their Chunky Soup and Madden injuries. This feels like a classic, tight AFC West battle, even if one of the participants isn’t even in the AFC anymore.
Baltimore at New Orleans (-2)
Pick: New Orleans
I’m not picking against the Saints at home until they lose outright. And even though they haven’t been great in covering the spread at home, giving a mere deuce to a team that has no discernable offense seems like a no-brainer.
Tampa Bay at New York Giants (-9)
Pick: Tampa Bay
Have you caught Gradkowski fever yet? Seriously, Jon Gruden had to have known something about this guy that nobody else did. I still have no idea who he is, except that he’s 2-1 as a starter and 3-0 against the spread. That’s good enough to convince me that giving him 9 points is a bit too much.
San Francisco at Chicago (-16)
Pick: Chicago
Yep, I’m drinking the “taking the team that’s giving more than two touchdowns” Kool-Aid again. Someday, I might learn. But in my defense, the Bears are undefeated, coming off a bye-week, playing at home against a bad 49er team, and probably threatened to cut Rex Grossman out of the inevitable rap video if he had another performance as awful as his crap job against the Cards. If this doesn’t pull through, I swear I won’t go near the fruity beverage again. Until the Colts play the Bills in Week 10. I have a problem.
St. Louis at San Diego (-10)
Pick: St. Louis
Why are the Rams not getting any respect here? They’re 4-2 – and really, they should be 5-1 – plus they are playing a team that suffered through the whole Shawne Merriman mess as well as dealing with yet another Marty-style loss. Double digits seems a bit like overkill.
New York Jets at Cleveland (-2)
Pick: New York Jets
Proof that oddsmakers smoke the crack: The Jets are 3-3, have added a new dimension to their ground game with Leon Washington (which has to be the coolest name in the NFL right now), and have been competitive in all but that one anomaly against the Jaguars. The Browns, on the other hand, can’t score. This is more than a lock. This is a gambling present.
Indianapolis at Denver (-3)
Pick: Indianapolis
We’ve seen this before: The Colts have to face a tremendous defense that’s going to slow their offense down, and they still manage to find a way to win. As long as the game isn’t in January, they got to have the upper hand. And do you know that Jake Plummer is still the quarterback in Denver? Apparently, the bookies forgot.
Pittsburgh (-9) at Oakland
Pick: Oakland
This is going to be the weirdest thing I write all week. Oakland is going to cover this week because the Steelers won’t have a healthy Roethlisberger. Plus, Pittsburgh is going on the road against a team that has turned in pretty nice consecutive performances on defense. It’s amazing what a 13 point win will do for a team. Unbelievable. I need a drink.
Dallas at Carolina (-5.5)
Pick: Carolina
First off, I’m really hoping that Tony Romo gets some sort of rib injury this year, just so I can experience the joy of reading the Cowboy injury report and coming across Tony Romo (ribs). Secondly, if I were Bill Parcells my answer to the whole “who’s your starting quarterback?” question would have been Gary Hogeboom. But then again, I’m a weirdo. Speaking of weird, am I the only one that was creeped out by Drew Bledsoe standing on the sidelines and remaining in the same exact jersey clutching pose the entire second quarter, vaguely looking like the requisite butthole jock in a Savage Steve Holland movie? Anyway, the Cowboys should forget about any playoff aspirations, starting with this must-win game for the Panthers.
New England at Minnesota (-2)
Pick: New England
Not an easy game to pick, so I’m going with the rarely used “try not to bet on a team owned by a guy with a name like Ziggy Wilf” rule.
Last week (further proof I know nothing)
Overall: 5-7-1
Three Team Parlay: 1-2
Survivor League Pick: Jacksonville (die in a fire, Jags)
This season
Overall: 49-44-6
Three Team Parlay: 1-6 (7-14)
Survivor League: Dead, but still finished tied for first. I feel dirty.
This Week
Three Team Parlay:
New York Jets
Carolina
New Orleans
