Who Should You Draft?

Normally, I start these things off with a paragraph of mundane fluff designed to coax a cheap laugh from you. Not today though, because this is another post regarding fantasy football. Specifically, it regards the top 25 guys out there to draft. Proceed with caution. Write down notes. Laugh at me if you’d like, but just remember that I’d probably beat you if we were in a league together.

And the players are…

25. Hines Ward(WR) Can you name another wide receiver that’s more versatile than this guy? This guy’s so dang valuable because he’ll get you points from all kinds of weird angles. He threw a touchdown pass in the Super Bowl, for crying out loud. This is what Kordell Stewart would have been if he didn’t dupe everybody by having one really good season at quarterback.

24. Willis McGahee(RB) It’s hard to believe that some people thought his career was toast before it began because of that grotesque he injury suffered against Ohio State. But it’s almost like the thing never happened. Too bad he plays for a team that’s going to be playing catch-up most of the season.

23. Randy Moss(WR) Remember when Raider Nation was excited when Moss came into town, to the point where it almost felt like a homecoming? How they said Moss was the perfect Raider in attitude and in method of play? I do, and I laugh about the naivety of people back then, too. Not to go Skip Bayless on you, but I can’t see this guy ever duplicating his numbers in Oakland like he did in Minnesota. If you don’t believe me, let me remind you that one Aaron Brooks is the number one quarterback on the Raider depth chart. We’re talking about the guy who once threw backwards to a stunned offensive lineman. But at least Moss sounds like he’s alienating his coach and teammates, so he has that going for him. He’s clearly too talented to leave off the list, but he’s no longer top ten worthy. His fall from the heights of fantasy is kind of sad, even if we’re talking about a guy who once dragged a cop on the hood of his car.

22. Antonio Gates(TE) He’s better than the tight end gold standard Tony Gonzalez was at this time in his career, both statistically and intangibly. Yeah, he has Phillip Rivers at quarterback, but don’t forget that Gates is the main component of the most unstoppable play in the NFL; that little red zone pattern in which he runs to a corner of the endzone, the quarterback lofts the ball there, and he out leaps whoever is making the feeble attempt to cover him. Defensive backs could stack on top of each other, and they would still be incapable of stopping this play. Throw in the fact that the Chargers will line this guy up all over the place to confuse the defense (a strategy that has worked for the past two seasons beautifully) and there’s no reason to believe he won’t have another monster year.

21. Anquan Boldin(WR) Let’s say you are a defensive coordinator figuring out how to stop the Cardinals. If you overcompensate against Larry Fitzgerald, Boldin is completely capable of dropping over 150 receiving yards on you. If you do pay attention to Boldin, there is still a most excellent chance that he’ll carve you up like a Butterball turkey. And this guy hasn’t even hit his peak yet. When you see Boldin and Fitzgerald, you are looking at the second coming of Stallworth/Swann. Plus, if your defense spends too much energy on them, Edgerrin James will be unleashed. So the best bet for defenses might be to play a guy like Boldin straight up with a cushion, which will translate into heaps of receptions and plenty of yards.

(In fact, I think I may have talked myself into picking the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl. Then again, it could be the Chivas-Regal talking.)

20. Julius Jones(RB) With all that T.O. crap going on in Dallas, I almost forgot Jones existed. You’ll be sorry if you do the same on draft day. Remember, Bill Parcells loves his running backs, and with Drew Bledsoe calling the signals, he’ll probably love them even more. Can’t say I blame him.

19. Torry Holt(WR) He’s still a good pick-up, but buyer beware: The Rams are no longer under the control under Mike Martz, who as we all know is an offensive genius. Any selection higher than this is a definite reach.

18. Marvin Harrison(WR) The guy who puts Owens to shame off the field is 34 years old, but he’s still in meticulous shape, is arguably the most cerebral wideout in the game, and has Reggie Wayne on the other side to keep defenses honest. Although I do feel that he’ll start to break down in a couple of years, he’s got a couple of years left before he starts to break down. And I totally sounded like Yogi Berra right there.

17. Reggie Bush(RB) The next Gayle Sayers. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Who cares if he’s going to split time with Deuce McAllister? He’s going to be more valuable than Deuce because he’s a threat to score every time he touches the ball, no matter where he touches the ball. This guy is so special, he could re-write the rules of fantasy football leagues everywhere, just so his punt and kickoff returns could count under his name. I can’t wait to watch this guy’s career unfold. Seriously, I think the last time I got this excited about watching a football player was when I saw the scene from “Uncessesary Roughness” where Kathy Ireland was wrapped up in a towel. You probably didn’t need to know that, though.

16. Chris Chambers(WR) Here are Chambers’ receiving totals in his first five years; 48, 52, 64, 69, 82. Keep in mind that those numbers increased despite having Jay Fiedler, Jay Feely, and Gus Frerotte involved on the throwing end. Now, he has Duante Culpepper under center. If you don’t think he’s setting career highs in receptions, yards, and touchdowns this season, you’re stoned, crazy, or stoned like crazy. Go ahead; let that dude next to you go for the glam pick with Moss. You’ll want to have Chambers on your team.

15. Chad Johnson(WR) He’s flashy. He’s brash. He’s Terrell Owens if Owens wasn’t such a weenie. The guy is a great player, and if it was Owens’s second year with the Cowboys, he’d be ranked ahead of him here. Don’t be scared about the whole Carson Palmer situation, either: Keep in mind that it’s not his throwing elbow that was reconstructed with the ligaments of a 15 year old girl (how morbidly cool is that, by the way?). As long as he’s able to stand, he’ll get Johnson the ball often.

14. Larry Fitzgerald(WR) You know all that stuff I said about Boldin? Double it, and apply it to Fitzgerald. And yes, at this time, I feel compelled to mention the Cardinals and the Super Bowl in the same sentence again. It maybe time to re-fill my glass with some more Chivas.

13. Cadillac Williams(RB) First of all, how awesome is it to have a guy nicknamed “Cadillac” in the league? Anytime a guy named “Cadillac” becomes a pro athlete, he should be forced to dress like Walt Frazier for a week, just because the nickname fits the attitude that only Clyde’s old-school duds can truly bring. But I digress, finally. This year, Cadillac is older, wiser, and a guy won’t run out of gas toward the latter half of the season like he did last year, due to the previous two adjectives.

12. Clinton Portis(RB) You see, this is why you never, ever, ever, ever, EV. AR, have your fantasy football draft in the first two weeks in August. Crap like the Portis injury happens, and suddenly the guy you used your first round pick on could be about as valuable as Kevan Barlow. What kinds of feelings are racing through you if you drafted Portis at this time? Despair? Regret? An urge to kill the commissioner who thought it was a great idea to hold the draft August 2? There really is no other real-life equivalent I can think of to draw up an analogy here. This is its own incomparable level of suck. With all that said, Portis may miss the first game of the season, his ability to bust through tackles may be hindered, and one good, hefty blow to the shoulder could send him to the sidelines again. But, barring re-injury, he’s still going to be good for 1200 yards and about 14 TDs. However, that but is larger than Nell Carter’s in her prime, which is why he’s ranked where he is. It may seem kind of unfair to place him so high, but he’s damaged goods right now, in the one position that you really can’t afford to be damaged goods (just ask Priest Holmes). It’s much safer to pick another blue-chip half-back.

11. Steve Smith(WR) Let me remind you of every story regarding the Carolina Panthers’ playoff run last year looked like: “Steve Smith Steve Smith Steve Smith Steve Smith, Steve Smith Steve Smith. Steve Smith Steve Smith? Steve Smith!” Then he dropped a deuce against the Seahawks. There’s no question that the lackluster performance has torched him inside this off-season. He’s going to take that anger out on every team he plays, just to show everyone that the game against Seattle was a fluke. With all that said, I still don’t have the stones to pick him over…

10. Terrell Owens(WR) Let me be frank: I hate Owens. He’s a pompous jackass, a selfish whiner, and the worst teammate in all of the three and a half major sports. But I’d love to have him on my team this year, and here’s why: This is the first season with a new team. Remember, the guy was averaging close to a touchdown a game his one good season in Philadelphia, which is an outrageous ratio for a wide receiver. And even though Bledsoe is one of the last quarterbacks you want on your team in the clutch, Owens will make him look good where other receivers would not. Despite his prima donna tendencies in training camp, he’s the best wideout to grab this year. But stay the hell away from him next year.

9. Ronnie Brown(RB) There’s a part of me who likes to think that Brown may have told Ricky Williams that he was for the legalization of marijuana and cracked Cheech and Chong jokes, just to expedite Williams’s return to the earth. The subtraction of Ricky and the addition of a legitimate quarterback will mean more activity and less defensive focus for Brown. It also means that he’s going to explode this year, with better numbers than Ricky Williams ever had in Miami. Trust me. It’s just a gut feeling I have.

8. Stephen Jackson(RB) Now, I’m not going to say anything stupid here like “Jackson is going to make every Ram fan forget about Marshall Faulk.” That would be like saying “Kenny Jones is going to make every Who fan forget about Keith Moon.” However, holding off on such absurd plaudits does not change the fact that Jackson is dang good. He’s also the one guy who in the top ten who’s a relatively unknown commodity, just because Faulk’s shadow has been cast so deeply over him. But rest assured, Chris Berman will be slobbering all over him and possibly referring to him as Tom Jackson’s nephew on “NFL Primetime” at around Week 4.

7. Rudi Johnson(RB) Probably the most non-descript running back in the top 25, Johnson will nonetheless be good for 1200 to 1400 yards and 13 to 15 touchdowns. That’s all I got for him. Sorry. I think it has to do with his name being so ordinary.

6. Peyton Manning(QB) He’s the only quarterback worth getting in the top 25 picks, and the reason is pretty easy to see: All the elite QBs in the NFL are all capable of putting up the same numbers: 25-30 TDs; 3,300 to 3,800 yards; and a game or two where they absolutely kill your week. While Manning is guaranteed to put up those numbers, he’s also the only one in the bunch that has no statistical ceiling. Do you really think that Marc Bulger or Trent Green is capable of tossing 35 scores? You shouldn’t. Manning’s safe to draft here because his extra production would make up for the production lost on a second-tier running back. But he’s the only one.

(NOTE: Manning being the lone gunman on this list probably wouldn’t have happened had Palmer not been injured. But he did, and well, there you are.)

5. Tiki Barber(RB) There’s a big part of me who thinks that there is no way Barber can come close what he did last year (1860 rushing yards, 530 receiving yards). But last year, I didn’t think there would be no way he would come close to what he did the previous year, either, when he broke off 1518 and 578. Then I got to thinking that if he rushes for 250 fewer yards this season he’d still be at 1600 for the year. Not too shabby. If Tom Coughlin wasn’t such an ass, he’d leave Barber in the game during goal line situations so he could get more than 11 total touchdowns (9 rushing, 2 receiving). He’d also be the number 3 player overall if that was the case.

4. Edgerrin James(RB) The Cardinals have a dirty little secret: They have a solid offensive line. All they’ve needed was a good running back block for. Now they have one with James, who couldn’t have asked for a better scenario. Essentially, he left Indianapolis to play for Indianapolis Lite, complete with a strong-armed quarterback and two great receivers that demand constant attention. There’s no way that defenses are going to focus on James this season, and as a result, he’s going to blow people away with his regular season totals. And I pretty much have the Cardinals hoisting the Lombardi trophy at this point. Thankfully, I’m all out of Chivas. I’ll probably scream when I read that sentence sober.

3. Shaun Alexander(RB) Am I the only one that remembered that this guy was in a contract year last season? Everybody is still fawning over this guy despite that he’s no longer in that situation. He played out of his mind last year, and got a humongous contract as a result. He’ll get no more than 20 TDs this year, I’m telling you. However, that should still be good enough for third in the league, so get him here anyway. But just know that you are going to get post-contract Alexander.

2. Larry Johnson(RB) 1750 yards and 20 TDs in only 9 starts. Gulp. I’d reckon there’s nobody second-guessing the Chiefs decision to draft this guy now, is there? This guy is spectacular – he can run around defenders, run through them, stop on a dime, and instantly resume his accelerated speed once they go flying past him. He also became one of my favorite players in the league last night during the Giants game. (Yeah, I watched, but only the fourth quarter so I could see Fat Quarterback play.) During a sideline interview, he told the reporter that he had been watching NFL Films of old running backs to study their running styles. Then to prove that he wasn’t faking it, he proceeded to drop old-school names like John Henry Johnson and Hugh McElheny, while the sideline reporter’s brain escaped through her ear due to utter confusion. Good times. Clearly, he is the sexy pick out there. But he still isn’t my number one guy.

1. LaDanian Tomlinson(RB) (Before I begin, let me go on record as saying that I actually typed a sentence that referred to Johnson as a “sexy pick.” I then threw up about five times before I could delete what I had done. Just thought I’d let you know. I’m so blaming the Chivas on that one.)

Why Tomlinson over Johnson? Let me count the ways:

1. Pound for pound, he’s still the best running back in the league, because he does what he does without having superstar behemoths like Will Shields or McIntosh clearing gaping holes for him. He makes the most out of what little openings he has.

2. He plays for Marty Schottenheimer. He’s a horrible coach in the clutch, but he’s a godsend to running backs. The golden rule for a Marty team is simple: If you are up in the forth quarter, you will run the ball 4 out of 5 times. Even if the Chargers have carved up the other team through the air, and they are up by less than a touchdown, he will still pound the ball in the fourth quarter. (He really does that, too. I need to go hang myself someplace quiet.) Tomlinson not only embraces such a philosophy, he thrives in it (except during playoff games where the other team stuffs nine in the box and dares the Chargers to throw the ball, which they don’t, which in turn sets up a missed field goal and ultimately a loss. No, I’m not bitter at all. Why do you ask?)

3. He has Phillip Rivers back there. Nobody seems to remember what Tomlinson did the year before Drew Brees transformed into a top-notch quarterback, so let me remind you. He caught 100 passes in a season. One of the reasons why he was so involved out of the backfield had to be an attempt by the Charger coaching staff to build up Brees’s confidence. Now, since Brees is gone to New Orleans, the Chargers are at square one again, with Rivers and his inexperience running the show. How can you not think that the coaching staff will not try and help his development along by featuring Tomlinson in all kinds of short routes?

So that’s it. There’s my top 25 fantasy football players for the upcoming year. It would do you good to print this off and take it to your draft. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to stumble to the nearest Beverages and More and pick up some more Chivas.