Archive for September, 2004

Put the Tin Foil Hat Away

September 29, 2004

Did you know the world was supposed to end today?

Yep, according to some crackpot that local L.A. deejays Mark and Brian have been talking to, there was supposed to be a gigantic earthquake in Guadalajara, Mexico today. This earthquake was going to signal the start of an immenent alien invasion that was to wipe us all away. Of course, the guy said he figured out the plot by ascertaning different bits of conversation while on one of his many abductions.

It’s fun to laugh at this kind of tripe, but it got me to thinking: What would you do if you knew a certain day was going to be the date of the world’s demise-let’s say next Friday, for argument’s sake. What would you try to do in that finite timeframe, other than the obvious stuff involving your friends and loved ones. Personally, I think I’d see how many women I could convince to flash me.

More Fallout from Janet’s Fallout

September 26, 2004

Here we are, nine months removed from Janet Jackson’s attempt to rejuvinate her fading career, and her nasty knocker is still creating a trail of censorship in its wake. We all know that the FCC has gone out of their way to keep our eyes and ears safe from smut, but I heard something tonight that oddly disturbed me and my wife. Or rather, I didn’t hear something tonight.

Classic rock station Arrow 93 bleeped out the F-word in The Who’s song “Who Are You.”

It sounds like a weird thing to get perturbed over, I’m sure. Normally, I’d be strictly opposed to having the F-bomb dropped on the radio. However, consider the following: “Who Are You” comes from the Who album of the same name, which was released in 1978. For the past twenty-six years, the F word was never bleeped out, primarily because it is rock music’s greatest example of “did he say what I think he said?” Because Roger Daltrey said the word in a manner that does not all out sound like the word, it was allowed safe passage through the airwaves, much like David Gilmour saying “bull—-” on “Money” by Pink Floyd. It became a bizzare rite of passage, in some ways. You may not remember where you were when you figured out the word now, but chances are you made some sort of mental note when you realized what it was he was saying.

Now it looks like that scenario is all gone, thanks in large part to Janet’s ugly, saggy, National Geographic boobie. She better be thanking God every night that there are two Jackson siblings more messed up than she is.

Not All Flashbacks are Good

September 21, 2004

Every so often, I’ll pop on over to ESPN Classic to see the great sports moments of yesteryear. It’s scary to see the fact that “yesteryear” is starting to equate to “my twenties,” but that’s a topic for another post. While they’ll stick to the major sports most of the time, there are those rare moments where they will go back to a time where ESPN2 didn’t exist, and lumberjacking was considered a top notch event for the network. I stumbled across one of these moments last night, as Classic was showing the final round of the World Series of Poker-from 1993.

Now, the wife and I enjoyed watching the last two WSOP’s on TV, with all of its fancy cameras and colorful cast of characters. And, in case you’ve been living in a cave, poker (specifically Texas Hold’em style) is the hottest game in town. All kinds of people who wouldn’t have thought twice about playing the game enjoy it. So, when we saw the ‘93 tourney was being replayed, we thought it would be interesting to see how the game has changed in the past decade. It only took us a couple of minutes to realize that it has changed so radically, it was almost unrecognizable.

For one thing, the host was Dick van Patten. Yep, the “Eight is Enough” guy, in a search for any kind of work. That would be like Ian Zeiring hosting the WSOP today, wouldn’t it? But I digress. The final was played in the same place it always is (Binion’s Horseshoe in Las Vegas), but there were less than 100 participants. At this year’s WSOP, there were over 2500. The prize for ninth place was about the equivalent of what the 40th place finisher this year took home. Plus, were no crowds, no bleachers, no dramatic camera shots. In fact, it didn’t look like there was anyone under 50 in the room. The guys at the final table with their cantankerous sneers reminded me of why I used to never play poker in Vegas. In a day when the tables are populated with hotshot online players in their 20s, seeing a scene like that was just bizzarre.

But the most jarring thing without question was the lack of technology. Nowadays, we can see the cards the players have, the probabilities of their hands winning, and how much each player is betting. None of that existed in 1993. The only thing that you saw were a bunch of old guys picking up their cards and throwing chips into the pot, with the added bonus of Dick van Patten trying to say something clever. It made for some of the dullest television I’ve seen on the ESPN networks since I accidentally turned on “Bassmasters.”

If you are looking for someone to blame for the poker explosion, don’t blame the game. Blame the guys who came up with the cameras and the informative little computer graphics instead. It’s all their fault.

A Friendly Remind-arrrrrrrr

September 18, 2004

Yar better be paying attention, ya scurvy land lubbers. Sunday, September 19th is National Talk Like a Pirate Day. If ye do not know the ways in talkin’ like yer a sea-farin’ plunderarrrrrr, ye can spend a shilling on this book that be helpful in putting a scarrrrrrrrre in your daughtarrrrrrrrrrs and raising the irrrrrrrrre of your neighbarrrrrrrr s.

Damn, I think the ” ” key b oke.

Gabba Gabba Gone

September 16, 2004

Johnny Ramone, dead at 55 after a five year battle with prostate cancer.

Celine Dion, still alive and nightly inflicting people with her cancerous style of schmaltzy music.

When I get to heaven, God and I are gonna have a discussion.

Semantics and Race Relations

September 14, 2004

You may recall a diatribe I posted a couple of weeks ago concerning ESPN.com’s Jason Whitlock and his bold yet inane theory that rooting against the U.S. men’s basketball team in the Olympics was an act that bordered on racism. Judging from the feedback I received in the comments section, it would seem that most of you agreed with my assessment that Whitlock had no appreciation for basketball history, turned a blind eye to any other reasons why people rooted against the team, and was generally full of it. As I mentioned in my follow up post, quite a few people in the sportswriting world agree, as more and more of them attacked and mocked his position as the days passed.

I bring this up again because I came across Whitlock’s response to all of the hard-edged rebuttals his articles caused. Not surprisingly, he attempted to whip out Occam’s razor (i.e. the position that states the correct answer is the simplest one), and he proceeded to slash himself with it.

The title of his rebuttal? “Admit it, America. We’re All Racists.”

Whoa. Back up there, fat boy. (For the record, he is a man of a stereotypical sportswriter’s porportions).

His position rests on how people enjoyed verbally beating up on USA basketball and calling them “lazy, unpatriotic, and stupid” because they were black, and it gave middle America the perfect forum to slam a group of people that would be absolutely taboo, if not for the context of the team. His mantra throughout the column is that the way to deal with this kind of racism is to acknowledge it exists and combat it on a daily basis. On the way, he even calls himself out as a racist, because of his fandom of Tiger Woods’ dominance in a sport dominated by whites.

To be fair, I think we can all agree with one thing that he says in his argument. Racism does exist. To deny its reality in our society is to be an outrageously naive soul. I’m sure it’s a problem that sane people would want to have lessened with each passing generation. However, Whitlock’s careless use of the word racist is a direct slap in the face to anyone who sees no color. It proves to me that he indeed has no idea what the word “racist” means, that he is just using the word as an act of blanket convenience, covering every white who has made a joke about blacks or every black who has called a white a “honky.” By not seeking the deeper issues of what lies behind the word “racist,” Whitlock ultimately does every race in America a grave disservice, coming off as a whiny, grown-up version of the Michael character from “Good Times,” who accuses whomever he can about society’s ills, yet does not work to do anything to better it. Besides, by calling everyone a racist, he implies that people from both sides of the racial spectrum who have tirelessly toiled for equality in society have the scourge of racism under their skins. Whether that was Whitlock’s intentions or not, it is certainly there. If you despise racism, this can not sit too well with you. It certainly does not with me.

Also, his Tiger Woods example is beyond rediculous. The notion of merely rooting for the black man in a sport dominated by whites is in no way shape or form racism, and the insinuation of such is downright insulting. Woods is an important figure in golf, that’s impossible to deny. But one of the reasons he is so important is that his color allows the sport to reach out to a whole different sector of society that previously was not accessible. If anything, Woods presence on the golf course helps to unite races and dissolve racial barriers rather than trump up “racism” on account of blacks rooting for a black guy. Golf will be around after Woods hangs up his golf bag, and if some of those black fans that rooted for him still tune in afterward, then that’s only good for the sport, and ultimately society. In fact, this very reason is one of the main issues I have with the NHL right now. The league’s (and the world’s) best player, Jarome Iginla, is black, yet the league has not done squat to market this fact. If they put in the effort sell Iginla like the PGA has done to sell Woods, I would gurantee that it would open the game up to a much wider audience that would have otherwise not paid too much attention to it. The end result would then be the same after Iginla hung up his skates. Call me crazy, but that simply does not look like racism to me.

It should be plainly obvious to any rational human being that who you like or dislike, or who you root for or against, does not make you a racist. However, as long as idiots like Whitlock have the audacity to wedge racism into things where it doesn’t exist in the first place, we’re going to have to deal with such carless verbiage, as sad as it may be.

Napoleon is Dynamite

September 13, 2004

If you haven’t done so already, you need to see “Napoleon Dynamite.” You need to see it post haste. The wife and I checked it out last Friday (viva la Entertainment Coupon Book), and we’ve been quoting it ever since. We really have. It’s pretty obnoxious, actually.

This movie rules. It revolves around the relationships shared by this Idaho high school kid (whose name is the film’s title) with a wild red ‘fro, borderline Elvis glasses, and bad taste in clothing. The guy instantly falls into the “such a complete and over the top dork he’s oddly cool” category, and his weird mix of family and friends him to achieve such lofty status.

So see it, already! My wife and I want to talk to someone else who has.

Gettin’ My Prognostication On

September 7, 2004

Like you didn’t know this was coming.

Come on, really.

The NFL starts on Thursday, probably some time after that Elton John pre-show stuff, and all I can say about it is, “Good.” Okay, I can say a whole bunch more, so I will.

Anyway, here’s what you should know: The defending Super Bowl champion New England Patriots got better, the NFC South is the best division in football, and 5-11 may be a good enough record for the crown of best NFL team in California. In case you want more than that tidbit (and why wouldn’t you?), here are my fearless predictions for the 2004 NFL season. They’re fearless because I’m the guy who also picked the Kansas City Royals to win the AL Central this year. Clearly, this is not the skill I get paid for. Nonetheless, here they are:

AFC East
New England Patriots
New York Jets
Buffalo Bills
Miami Dolphins

AFC North
Baltimore Ravens
Cincinnati Bengals
Pittsburgh Steelers
Cleveland Browns

AFC South
Tennessee Titans
Indianapolis Colts
Jacksonville Jaguars
Houston Texans

AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs
Denver Broncos
Oakland Raiders
San Diego Chargers

NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles
Dallas Cowboys
Washington Redskins
New York Giants

NFC North
Minnesota Vikings
Green Bay Packers
Detroit Lions
Chicago Bears

NFC South
Carolina Panthers
New Orleans Saints
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Atlanta Falcons

NFC West
Seattle Seahawks
St. Louis Rams
Arizona Cardinals
San Francisco 49ers

Wild Card:
AFC: Jets, Colts
NFC: Saints, Rams

Super Bowl:
Patriots over Eagles

Feel free to debate me. Just hold off on the crow until February, okay?

Karch’s Weekly List of Pretension!

September 4, 2004

So there it is. That’s what I’ve decided to call my random weekly Top 5 list feature thingy. I didn’t come up with the title on my own, as it was inspired by one of you loyal readers out there. Mad props to you, Danny from Temecula.

I picked the name because let’s face the facts: Putting a top five list together is a pretty snobbish practice dripping with the potential for elitism. Plus, I will admit that I feel a bit awkward unleashing something like this to you, because I hatethese kinds of lists. Typically, the only thing these lists are good for is to lead me to unleash a verbal tirade at the stupidity and ignorance of the clods who put them together. But now, I am one of them. I kinda feel like I’m pulling a Hulk Hogan when he was with WCW, on the day the script called for him to turn heel. I realize I’m opening up a Pandora’s box here, leaving myself exposed to all of you to rip me as one of those said clods. But the truth is, this little exercise in self-indulgence allows me to fill up the space with new material whenever there’s a lapse of about three days when nothing new gets posted on the site, which is a big pet peeve of mine. After all, I am a writer of sorts, and as Billy Crystal so eloquently said in “Throw Momma From the Train,” a writer writes. He also said “Class dismissed. I have an enormous headache in my eye,” but that’s best discussed in another entry.

So since I came up with a permanent title, I thought I’d share the top five rejected names for this silly little workout:

5. Cinco de Topo-Changed my mind, because I didn’t want anyone from ESPN’s website reading it and automatically thinking that I was a racist and hated all Hispanics.

4. List-O-Rama-Almost went with this one (Sorry, Ron). But after a quick Google search, I discovered the phrase “O-Rama” had jumped the shark. Real live websites named Rail-O-Rama, Rant-O-Rama, Hedgehog-O-Rama are proof of that fact, although I reached that conclusion the moment I saw Accordian-O-Rama.

3. Gimme Five-No, because I am giving you all five. It’s all about semantics on this site, except for those posts that I write after midnight.

2. The Only List that Doesn’t Suck-Let’s be honest here. Quite a few of these lists will, indeed, suck. Probably including this one.

1. Karch’s Windbag of Crap-Passed on for obvious reasons.

A Sensible Rebuttal

September 2, 2004

I’m lucky enough to live close enough from my work that I can enjoy lunch at home. Being the sports fan that I am, I’ll usually tune into ESPN News (It also helps that there is nothing else on at that time. Would you rather have me watching that or the first half hour of Springer? The defense rests). Each afternoon, they have a program called “The Hot List,” which has all the elements of a sports radio show with the added luxury of nobody calling in (my personal pet peeve on sports talk shows. Weird, isn’t it?). Anyway, host Brian Kinney was engaged in a conversation with sports analyst Beano Cook today, and sure enough, that rediculously inflammatory article concerning the U.S. men’s basketball team written by Jason Whitlock in which he stated that rooting against the Olympic team is a borderline racist act came up. The same article, by the way, that I went off on in the post below this one. It did my heart good to hear both Cook (who has a reputation for being outspoken at times) and Kinney (who does not have such a reputation) absolutely tear into this article, demoishing the piece that was written by one of their own. Cook especially pulled no punches, stating that he has grown tired of the state of society that blindly implies racism at the drop of a hat.

Seeing as how active the message board was on my commentary on Whitlock’s article, I thought you all would be interested to see that there are still some sensible people out there in the media.