Archive for August, 2004

The amazing race card.

August 30, 2004

It was bound to happen.

Within hours of the United States men’s basketball team getting waxed by a seemingly weak Puerto Rico squad, it was painfully clear to anyone who even remotely follows the sport that they probably were not going to have two countries flanking them on a medal ceremony platform come the tournament’s end. It was also blatantly obvious that the collective of individual talent that had proven fradulent carriers of the media-given “Dream Team” moniker had a very vocal group of basketball fans rooting against any success. The group was merciless in their needling of the selfishness of the American players, unrelenting in pointing out the lack of the player’s fundamental skills, constant in reminding them about their lack of cohesiveness in the face of their more seasoned and experienced adversaries. The group was made up of American basketball fans, and I was part of it.

It almost seems inconceivable that I’d reached this point with team USA, only a dozen years removed from the first batch of pros wreacking havoc in Barcelona. But I had, and over the past couple of weeks, I saw plenty of evidence to prove that I was not alone. Even though my position, if given within the context of said evidence, is not necessarily a radical one, I knew that I would stand a decent chance of having to suffer the slings and arrows of being referred to as traitorous, a soul ready for expatriate status, and other unpleasant things. I will admit, though, that I never thought my position would be one that borders on racism. But that is exactly what ESPN.com columnist Jason Whitlock accused me and anybody else who shared my disdainful disposition in his column on Wednesday, August 25.

After reflecting on his column for a couple of days, I felt horribly naive because I never noticed the inherent formula that made the pulling of the dreaded race card so easy. You see, all of the U.S. men’s team was made up entirely of African-Americans. They make a lot of money in the NBA. They get kicked to the curb by an international collection of white guys.

Put the formula to use, and it was bound to happen.

In short, Whitlock implies that anyone who did not root for Team USA to do anything but win the gold essentially got an unsophisticated kick out of watching black millionaires fail, and therefore was edging into racist territory. Chances are, the initial reaction to such a bold accusation consists of the unleashing of a host of naughty utterances either by mouth or by the safe confinement of brain wave. That would certainly be justified, since no rational human being should take too kindly to being accused of being racist. However, just as in every other instance where the race card is used in an inglorious attempt to add a tension where none is welcomed or visible, it is much better to deconstruct why it should have been kept in its case, tucked neatly behind the rules for draw poker card. Since the card was used on me, I feel it’s my perrogative to defend my rationale for rooting against the men’s hoops team as a basketball fan, on behalf of the ever-dwindling legion of basketball fans, which I beleive may have dipped into double-digits.

First off, I love basketball-when it is played properly. There is art in succesfully executed 3 on 2 fast break. There is beauty in someone working to get open, receiving a pass, and burying an 18 foot jump shot. There is a gorgeous quality in the perfect bounce pass. Sadly, there is hardly any of that going on in the NBA today. The average NBA player makes up for not being able to shoot by not being able to pass or dribble. But at least they can dunk, so they got that going for them. These stars (even if the league’s big guns like Shaquille O’Neal, Tracy McGrady, and Kevin Garnett didn’t play, we still sent guys the league considers stars), can’t play the game properly at home, so why would anyone think they could play better in Athens? It was evident that there was nobody on this team that could make something as rudimentary as an open jump shot on a routine level. And if you are getting paid the kind of money that Olympian Richard Jefferson received in his new contract, and if you are a shooting guard like Jefferson is, it should be rudimentary. But there were more clinks and clanks going on than the last time you vaccumed up a penny. In his article, Whitlock tells us that we’ve taught these players that it’s okay to play their style. If that’s the case, then maybe, just maybe, us Americans fans jumping on Team USA’s case for playing so poorly is to send them a message. In fact, I can tell you with confidence that that is the sole reason I was not waving the stars and stripes for them. Instead, it was my hope that there was a new generation of 11 to 15 year olds who were riveted to the television for every game, and their thoughts of disillusionment over their team losing turned into ones of disgust with each mid-range jumper that hit nothing but air or clanged off the side of the backboard. Inspired by the insipid performance, they go out to the court a day or two later and start working on the things that matter most in basketball, such as shooting and passing. Over time, their fundamentals develop into near second nature, and they lead the NBA into a repeat performance of professional basketball at its absolute apex-the NBA from 1980 to 1991, starting at Magic Johnson’s and Larry Bird’s first games and ending with the first sighting of they NBA of today, with the Detroit Pistons winning a home game against the New York Knicks 72-61. To an NBA fan, this is just somewhat analagous of the father who catches his son smoking a cigarette, and then makes him smoke the entire package in an effort to make the kid disgusted enough with smokes so that he steers clear of them. Just like smoking is bad to one’s health, not knowing the fundamentals of basketball can cause irrepairable damage to one’s game.

The other excuse Whitlock uses to bring the race card home is he claims that the white Euros have developed a more exciting and inventive way of playing basketball, and we Americans aren’t giving our boys a fair shake at catching on to these revolutionary tactics. I watched several hours of European basketball during the Olympics, and the only “inventions” that they came up with included such exotic ideas as moving without the ball, properly executed fast breaks, passing to open teammates, and point guards directing the offense instead of trying to make themselves the center of it. Yep, the same stuff that collectively formed the reasons why the NBA was the most entertaining sport you could watch twenty years ago. The Lakers forged a decade long dynasty based on those principles the Europeans “invented.” The Celtics took those very same tools and won themselves a trio of titles with them. But it didn’t stop with the successful teams. Your perennial doormats during the 80s-squads like the Kansas City Kings, Indiana Pacers, and Los Angeles Clippers (some things never change) all played a style that put the team ahead of individual merit. It led me to wonder if Whitlock ever saw a single basketball game in the ’80s. Then again, I also wondered if he witnessed a single game that the Detroit Pistons played last year, since their team concept on the road to swiping the NBA title from the Lakers seemed frighteningly similar to that of the European teams. All he had to do was check out Game 5 of the Finals to realize that the Europeans had not done anything that revolutionary. While the Los Angeles Lakers were standing around watching Kobe Bryant making horrible decisions, the Pistons were doing everything the Europeans did to Team USA. They were attacking on offense. Rip Hamilton was sinking open shots. Guys were constantly flying around the offensive zone like molecules under heat, creating their own open space to get easy shots. Sadly, the Pistons’ style of play on offense was the exception to the rule, unlike twenty years ago, when it was almost sacrilege against the name of James Naismith not to play as a team. The bottom line after all this is obvious. The team concept of basketball that Whitlock found so inventive existed on American soil before modern Lithuania did, and there are plenty of basketball fans around that have fond memories of a style since taken for granted by today’s pro game. They are therefore left disillusioned by the poor, fundamentally lacking play exhibited by the members of Team USA, and the rest of the world can now provide a suitable antidote for an infected game while at the same time evoking an exhilarating era of when basketball didn’t hurt to watch.

Whether or not you want to brand me as un-American or unpatriotic is left entirely up to you. But whatever you do, don’t lump me or anyone else who shares my opinion on the U.S. team as something that borders on racism. To do so is as foolish as it is insulting to anyone who has a modicum of intelligence. Personally, I’d prefer it if you’d accuse me of being a fan of the way basketball should be played.

Weird Science. Oooh.

August 28, 2004

I’ve found a story that takes backbiting to a whole new level. Apparently, the jaw bone’s connected to the back bone.

I wonder if this guy’s gonna get accused for talking back. Har!

Please, somebody stop me.

Book update

August 24, 2004

Got my first response from an agent today. As expected, it was a rejection slip (I say that not out of lack of confidence, but out of playing the percentages). But it wasn’t that bad. She just said that the book was too long for the type of market she represents.

Even though the agent didn’t ask for more, I still felt good about it, simply because the book selling process feels much more tangible than it did when I started sending them out.

Title needed for running gag

August 23, 2004

So, I’m doing this Top Five thingie at one random point during the week, but the only title I can think of right now is “Top Five List.” I know, it’s crap. It’s a quasi rip-off of Letterman, and certainly not as entertaining as his Top Ten Lists are. Besides, it’s too generic. You might as well paint a blue stripe under the title.

I figure I’m going to give myself a week to come up with a title that doesn’t blow. I’m going to strive for something that’s clever and witty but not too smarmy. Wish me luck, and toss me your own smart aleck suggestions while you’re at it.

In the meantime, on with the list. I promised last week that sometimes the list would be something really silly, and this is one of those times. I present to you the top five President middle names.

5. Baines. Lyndon B. Johnson. On the list because he was the bane of so many people’s exsistence in the mid 60s. Har!

4. Simpson. Ulysses S. Grant. Do you ever think that he ever said something like “Mmmmm…emancipation” during the Civil War? Neither do I.

3. Birchard. Rutherford B. Hayes. Actually, he probably has the coolest name of any president. Sounds like either a pimp or Dolemite’s real name.

2. Milhous. Richard M. Nixon. Any name that can inspire the creation of a Simpsons character has to rank pretty high.

1. Gamaliel. Warren G. Harding. Perhaps the Teapot Dome scandal wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t spent so much time during his Presidency trying to wipe out the Smurfs.

Move over, Fred Garvin

August 19, 2004

The head of the World Anti-Doping Agency is named Dick Pound.

That is all.

New weekly feature

August 18, 2004

First thing’s first: The movie “High Fidelity” rules. Not only because it contains the always likable John Cusack. Or that it contains Jack Black as a first-rate music snob that doubles as my celluloid alter-ego. Or that the bulk of it takes place in the kind of record store I could live in. Or that most of the music that is sprinkled throughout the film is quite good. Okay, maybe I like it because it has all those things. But it also has another special element, another quirk that record store workers Cusack, Black, and the other guy that looks like a meeker version of Michael Stipe all share: The top five list. Just random top five lists regarding music-the kind of lists some of my fellow music snob friends like to throw together, mainly to get on each others nerves.

After looking my DVD copy the other day-literally looking at it, that is. I didn’t watch the thing-I was inspired to just throw up on this here site one random top five list per week. It won’t have any rhyme or reason as to when it shows up: It’ll just happen in between respective Sundays. It won’t be contained to one genre, either. One week, it could be “Top 5 Movie Villans of the ’80s,” the next week it could be “Top 5 Presidential Campaign Slogans.” As always, feel free to chip in with your comments, insults, etc. And in case you’re wondering, this does not automatically exclude me from complaining about those insipid list shows on VH1. You know, the lists like “40 greatest album covers of all time” which manage to not include universally acclaimed album covers like “Sgt. Pepper” or “Wish You Were Here.” Unlike those guys, I’m actually informed on my decisions.

This week, I’m making my initial list sports related. The only reason I’m doing so is due to a comment my buddy Joe made last week on the site about the Chargers making more botched decisions in the last few years than any other team. That comment intrigued me to the point of ponderance: That is, have they? I needed to know.

So, after several minutes of research, I came up with a list of 5 teams that have garnered a reputation for making dumb choice after dumb choice over the past 10 years. That said, I present to you:

Top 5 Dumbest Professional Sports Teams of the Past Fiscal Decade.

5. New York Rangers-Ever since 1994, when they won their first Stanley Cup in 54 years, the Rangers have developed Yankees syndrome, as they seemed convinced that they can make like their pinstriped counterparts in baseball, throw a ton of cash toward really talented players, and purchase team space on the trophy’s ring. Here’s the thing, though: Hockey, unlike baseball, is a sport in which great teams can’t be forged by buying the best players. Teamwork and chemistry are much more important parts to have on the road to the Finals-just ask the Calgary Flames. So, instead of investing their time from within the organization to develop a team, the Blueshirts have spent their efforts snapping up All-Star after All-Star: Jaromir Jagr, Eric Lindros, Pavel Bure, Theo Fleury, Luc Robitaille, and countless others. Despite that, the Rangers haven’t made the playoffs since ‘97.

4. Arizona Cardinals-Drafted Jake Plummer. That’s good. Didn’t do a thing to build around him. That’s bad. Gave up on Plummer, who is now enjoying a good deal of success with the Denver Broncos, an organization that doesn’t suck. That’s even worse. You’d think the fact that Plummer acutally led the team to their first playoff victory in 41 years back in 1998 would lead the organization to say, “Hey, this guy may be pretty good.” Nope. Plus, you decide which move is stupider: Not resigning Simeon Rice or David Boston in their prime or signing Emmitt Smith well after his prime? While thinking about that, remember Smith’s last carry as a Cardinal last year resulted in a 3 yard loss and a broken leg-against his old buddies, the Dallas Cowboys, no less.

3. New York Knicks-The team is best summed up this way: The Ewing Theory is named because of their former star. Also, they have twelve players on their roster, and roughly ten of them are point guards that can’t play the position. Something tells me that Isaiah Thomas wasn’t cut out to be a GM. Plus, their roster always seems to be filled with guys you avoid putting on your fantasy team, or you resent the fact that they’re on it. You know, guys like Chris Childs and Kurt Thomas, the guys who get paid star money while avoiding the fuss of actually being stars. Also, I think their last payment to Larry Johnson happens at about 2048.

2. San Diego Chargers-I won’t get on them too much for drafting Ryan Leaf. After all, most every Charger fan was excited about drafting the guy, including me. And granted, the swath of evil and ruin that the deplorable quarterback has cut across the organization is unmistakable. However, it is a few years since Leaf burned them, and they haven’t made any strides, other than drafting LaDanian Tomlinson. In fact, it appears LT was the only smart move they’ve made since. You think they’d have second thoughts about drafting Quentin Jammer again? Me too. You think that they’d maybe try to spend last season’s free agent money on more than just David Boston? Me too. Do you wonder why, instead of drafting behemoth tackle Robert Gallery this year, they drafted a quarterback who they can’t sign, as well as drafting another running back before they picked an offensive lineman? Me too.

1. Los Angeles Clippers-Need I say more? Okay, I’ll say this: Clippers GM Elgin Baylor was referred to as a “NBA Draft Lottery Veteran” recently. If you’re a GM, and if you start being called stuff like that, it may be time to get a new job, like almost anything else.

Your turn!

New addition to the brood

August 17, 2004

We brought home yet another dog this evening. This time, it’s a male mini dauschund, about 8 weeks old (which puts it about 9 months younger than our other weiner dog, Pocket). He’s also dappled, which is just a fancy way of saying speckled. After several minutes of deliberation once we knew we were getting the dog (which was from the same mother as Pocket-different litter, obviously), we agreed upon the name “Lint” for him. Get it? Pocket lint? Yeah, we got nothing.

Science!

August 16, 2004

This afternoon, my wife and I visited the California Science Center (formerly known as the California Museum of Science and Industry). It was the first time I’d been there in 22 years, and I had forgotten what a cool place it is to visit. Lots of interesting stuff to do there.

However, I know you have better things to do than to read about what I did, so let me tell you why I did it, and why you should do the same. We specifically went down to the place to check out the Body Worlds exhibit. For those who aren’t familiar with what it is, it’s a display that shows the make up of the human anatomy by using real bodies of people who donated themselves for science upon their death. The bodies are able to be displayed because of a unique preservation method called plastination, a technique invented by the exhibit’s founder, anatomist Dr. Gunther von Hagens. This technique allows the body to pretty much be set and posed so that one can perfectly see all the intricate details of the human body, rather than just estimated on a plastic model.

The end result of this relatively new scientific technology (it was invented in 1978) was by far the most incredible and enlightening scientific exhibit that both my wife and I had ever seen. There were several times that we had to remind each other that what we were looking at were acutal bones, muscles, organs, and blood vessels, as opposed to dummies. It really gave us an appreciation to all the minutiae within the body that is so easily taken for granted, as well as what an amazing architect God truly is. I challenge anyone to go to this museum and come out the other side still thinking that we evolved randomly from an amoeba.

We totally recommend the exhibit, probably to the point that you’ll be sick of us gushing about it for the next several months. The exhibit goes through January, so just do yourself a favor and check it out. Just be prepared to be awestruck.

It’s a Rutles cover band!

August 12, 2004

Okay, not really. But I just happened to stumble upon a video clip of that Beatles tribute band The Fab Four doing “Hold My Hand” by Monty Python alum Eric Idle’s Beatle spoof band The Rutles. It’s a small clip, and the quality isn’t the best, but it’s still worth checking out.

From a concerned fan

August 11, 2004

Dear San Diego Chargers,

SIGN PHILLIP RIVERS ALREADY!!!!!! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE????!!!!!

That is all.

Thank you.